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Another Sleepless Night

First day of my Spring Semester is tomorrow, but first I have work from 5am until 9 am. I should be asleep right now, but my anxiety is so great that I haven’t slept at night in a few days. All that does is bring me anxiety attacks that wake me up. I literally have to pass out from exhaustion to go to sleep, reluctant as I am with even that. I know what you’re thinking, what every sane human being is thinking, Holly, it’s your Junior Spring Semester, how can you possibly still be nervous about school? Let’s put it this way, I went through such a bad Fall Semester of my Sophomore year mentally that I had two options: 1.) Drop out to save myself 2.) Go from full-time to part-time and try and fight my mental demons. I suppose there was a 3rd option, I could have stayed full-time and lost my sanity completely. However, I tried to stick it out and push myself with part-time. The past two semesters part-time have gone well. However, my parents, who are currently funding what my student loans do not cover, are fed up and have made me go back on to full-time for this semester and all semesters after it until graduation. I understand that they don’t want me to stay in college forever and have pressure from my fellow aged relatives who have only stayed 5 years or more in college to get Master’s degrees. However, those things do not help my anxiety about falling into another pit of despair. It was very hard to get out of the last time and I am so worried it will happen again and I wouldn’t be able to get out this time around. You can say I’m overreacting, but with an anxiety disorder everything feels real. The same sense of danger that you get when walking on a dark street alone at night is the same feeling I get when walking into college, everyday. Things might not turn out as bad as they seem, but it still feels like it will. I wish someone could understand what I am going through. It is so frustrating to have people simply dismiss the intense feelings that I struggle everyday with. I don’t know where this post is even going. Maybe it was a useless rant or maybe someone out there will read this and learn to be more accepting, tolerant, and patient with someone with a mental illness. I understand that mental illness has a certain stigma attached and even having to classify myself in such a category is hard to do in such a public setting. However, to be honest, writing this out is helping me. I can’t guarantee I will sleep tonight, but I can feel some anxiety releasing as I type. I’m not sure anyone will get anything out of this, but I hope it helps someone. Thank you for reading.

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About woodh2013

I'm the girl that's named after the famous city of lights and cameras, but am too shy to talk to the kid sitting next to me in class. I'm the girl that blasts opera while I commute to and from school, but is in the crowds of rock shows on Friday nights. I'm the girl who can't draw to save her life, but takes beautiful pictures. I'm the girl who worries about everything, even when things aren't so bad. I can't be put in a box, so you want to know more? Read my work.

2 responses to “Another Sleepless Night

  1. Holly…I can’t say with certainty that things will get better but I wish you the best. And I feel that too…the creeping anxiety that makes it feel like everything is falling apart. Ill be around on campus and you have my email…shoot me an email if you wanna grab coffee and just chat. I’ll be around 🙂

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