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Short Story #2 (Work In Progress) PLEASE GIVE ME FEEDBACK :(

A complete work in progress! A title has not even been thought of yet. I would really appreciate feedback on this, even though it is an incomplete short story. Please and thank you :)!

            I run my hand across my forehead in an attempt to dull the throbbing against my skull. I’ve been at this party too long. I look at my phone and the time reads, “2:04 am.” “I have to get out of here,” I try to tell my friend Kaya over the blasting music. “What?” she yells in my ear, sending a shooting pain burrowing deep in my head. I take out my car keys and point to the door. Kaya’s face contorts disapprovingly and she grabs my arm to lead me to a quieter area of the house. “You want to go home already?” she complains. “I have a headache and I just want to go to bed,” I reply. “You want to go to bed? But it’s so early!” I show her my phone and Kaya gasps. “Exactly, I’m gonna go to the car. Say your goodbyes and meet me outside,” I say a bit more sternly than I had planned.
            When I’m outside, away from the heat of an overcrowded house party and the booming music, my headache finally begins to weaken. The fresh, cool early morning air feels relaxing as I take long, deep breaths of it. By the time I am in my car, the pain in my head is gone and I take a sigh of relief as I drive up to the house and see Kaya waiting on the curb. “Thank God, you are so responsible! I would have stayed at that party forever and missed work completely tomorrow!” Kaya exclaims. “I try, but hey, sorry I snapped at you back there. I’m just so tired.” “Don’t even worry about it,” she waves her hand at me, “Like I said, if it wasn’t for you, I’d be a mess.” Kaya lets out a small laugh and for the remainder of the time she is in my car, the only noise that fills the air is the low radio playing between us. After the half mile ride, Kaya and I say our farewells and I make my way home.
            Walking to the front of my house, I take out my keys and clumsily unlock the door in the dark. I take special care to open the door very slowly, so I won’t wake up my parents. Ever since I have turned eighteen, they took away my curfew because they feel I’m responsible enough to make my own choices. However, as my dad always says, they “can take it back anytime, if I betray their trust.” Immediately as the door opens, I am hit with a strong metallic smell. Turning on the light, I see my illuminated living room, my knees go weak, and I fall to the floor.
            Our beige carpet is stained a deep red in two awful puddles. The source of those puddles? My parents, both slain on the floor, lifeless and cold. As if they were both done simultaneously, my mom and dad have matching slices across their throats. I close my eyes, this can’t be true. I passed out at the party and this is all just a horrific dream. Taking a deep breath, I open my eyes and the two bodies lay in front of me, in the same positions I left them in. I want to scream, but I can’t. It’s too much to take in and let out noise at the same time. Suddenly my brain starts to work. I have to call 911! Trembling, I take out my cellphone and dial the three numbers. “911, what’s your emergency?” the operator on the phone asks in a plain female voice. Again, I am struck speechless. I can’t say it out loud, it’s too horrible. “Hello? Are you there?” the voice continues. “Yes, I, I, I just came home and my parents, oh my parents, they’ve been . . . been…” I start to lose control of my thoughts and begin to cry. “Ma’am, I need you to stay calm. What happened to your parents?” “They’re dead. My mom and dad, both slit in the throat. There’s blood everywhere. Oh my God, how could this happen?” “Ma’am, what is your name and your address. I will send a police officer over right away.” “Brooke Stevens, 316 Oak Drive in Little Falls.” After a brief pause, the operator speaks, “Okay, Brooke, someone is coming now. Now, as calmly as you can answer, I need you to let me know, are you safe? Did you check the house to make sure no one was in there with you?” “No, I didn’t even think. . .” my voice changes to a whisper, “You’re right, the person that did this to my parents could be here, waiting to do it to me!” “Brooke, take a deep breath, don’t think that way. Don’t move from where you are, until the officer gets there.” “But I could be a sitting duck, just waiting to be shot, or cut.” “You have to trust me. Everything will be better if you wait for the police officer. Please stay on the phone with me, okay?” “Okay.”
            After what seemed like the longest ten minutes of my life, a knock on the door startles me. “Police, open the door,” a stern male voice commands. Still on the phone with the 911 operator, I open the door and two policemen stand in front of me. “We got a call for a murder” The taller one introduces. “Two actually. They’re right here,” I point at my parents’ bodies. I can feel my emotions rising again and cops can too. “Can I talk to the operator while you and my partner go outside?” The taller one asks calmly. Simply nodding, I hand over my cellphone and walk outside to the wicker couch on my porch. Sitting down, I start to cry. The cop puts a hand on my shoulder and asks, “Is there anyone you want to call to come over here?” “My brothers. I forgot about them. They’re on a road trip. Oh, no, I can’t be the one to tell them this. Please, if I give you the number, can you tell them?” I plead.
            He agrees, I give him my twenty-three year old middle brother Eric’s number, and before long the officer hands the phone to me. “Eric?” “Brooke, I can’t believe this happened. I can’t believe we aren’t there to be with you.” Already my brother was hiding his own emotions to try and protect me. “Eric, stop. You had no way of knowing. Where are you guys anyway?” “We’re in Indianapolis and can’t be home until at least tomorrow night. I think you should call Nick.” “Our parents and dead and you want me to call my boyfriend that I’ve been fighting with for weeks?” I hear him take a long breath, as if to control himself. “Craig and I think it’s for the best until we can get there. Okay? We don’t want you being alone right now and we know Kaya doesn’t have a car to get to you. Please Brooke.” “You’re right,” I confess as I think of the alternative of trying to sleep alone in the house where my parents were murdered. “Let me talk to the cop again, but text me when Nick gets there.” “I will.” “I love you Brooke.” “I love you too, and tell Craig the same.” “Will do.”
            Once he’s off the phone with Eric, I ask the officer to use it again to call Nick. After a tense few rings, a groggy voiced Nick answers. “Hello?” “Nick, it’s Brooke.” “What? Did you get too drunk at your party and now you want me to come pick you up?” He asks belligerently. “No, Nick please. You’re going to think I’m joking, but my parents were murdered.” I hear a gasp on the other end. “Yeah, right in my living room. Look, I know we’ve been fighting, but can you come over? Craig and Eric just left on their road trip and I don’t want to be alone.” After hesitation, he clears his throat, “Of course, I’ll be right over. Don’t even worry about it.” “Thanks Nick.”
            Despite the cops taking so long to get to my house, Nick is over in flash. I see his car pull up and I run to it. Just as he gets out, I wrap my arms around him and sob. “I’m sorry baby. I know this is such a tough thing to deal with,” he soothes. “They were just there when I left at ten and now, now they’re gone.” Nick tilts my head back and I’m looking at him. “Brooke, you’re going to be okay. I promise.” He kisses my forehead and I again bury my face in his chest. “Miss Stevens?” This time the shorter cop is talking and I turn around, wiping my face. “I understand this is a difficult time, but you have to come to the station with us.” “You think I killed my parents?!” I am yelling in disbelief. “Brooke, no one is jumping to conclusions, we just need you to make a statement for the records.” “Can he come with me, he’s my boyfriend.” “For right now, you have to ride with us, but he can follow us there.” I look back at Nick and he gives me an approving nod. “I’ll be right behind you. You won’t even know I was gone.” He gives me one last hug before I follow the police to their car.

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About woodh2013

I'm the girl that's named after the famous city of lights and cameras, but am too shy to talk to the kid sitting next to me in class. I'm the girl that blasts opera while I commute to and from school, but is in the crowds of rock shows on Friday nights. I'm the girl who can't draw to save her life, but takes beautiful pictures. I'm the girl who worries about everything, even when things aren't so bad. I can't be put in a box, so you want to know more? Read my work.

8 responses to “Short Story #2 (Work In Progress) PLEASE GIVE ME FEEDBACK :(

  1. Holly, the set up of this story very interesting. The story grips the readers attention right from the beginning and I am intrigued. Would love to know what happens next.
    As for revision suggestions:
    1. The comment “Two actually. They’re right here,” sounds a bit too casual (when the police officer says that there has been a murder)- would a person who witnesses the horror of her parents’ murder explain that they were both dead in that manner?
    2. The shock of the parents’ death needs to come across through the dialog- Brooke’s as well as her Brother Eric’s
    3. Some research on how the Police would treat a scene of crime is required. Sleeping in her house, for example, would not even be an option available to Brooke in this situation. Also, some research on how a person who has been bereaved in this manner would react could help.
    4. As far as Nick is concerned- Brooke’s communication with him seems too polite and civil under the circumstances.
    5. Please continue writing the story. As more details come to light, the momentum you gathered at the beginning of the story will continue to build!

  2. battlesj

    I like this story so far. While the character was opening the door and told the story of her curfew I was already wondering if something happened to them. Then bam they are dead. Like how that part was writen. The whisper was funny lol. I would be the same way thinking the killers could be waiting. Just should note that after the convo with the brother she either gave the phone to officer or just specify after she got off she asked him to call… I like the story and am thinking the brothers murdered the parents and are conveniently away and it was pkanned dont know when they left for the trip but maybe you will reveal it later. Good start!

  3. This looks like a very good setup for an interesting story. My attention was immediately grabbed, even before the major event of Brooke finding her parents murdered because everything from the get-go is snappy, clear, and well-written. I especially like the dialogue so far. The only thing I would say is maybe punch up the interaction between Brooke and the cops on the scene a little bit more; more panic and hysteria while she waits for them, and then when they arrive I’d try to show/explain/illustrate through her behavior & actions how distraught and emotional Brook was at that point rather than stating in words “I can feel my emotions rising again and so can the cops”.

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