It comes out of nowhere and strikes like a viper on the prowl. One minute, I’m enjoying school and the next my entire mood changes just because a professor didn’t like the structure of my research paper. Suddenly, I’m holding back the tears and panic that are raging inside me, just wanting to be released. But no, I can’t, not in school, not in a classroom of my peers. However, as soon as I get in my car, I let it all out. As I drive down Morris Ave., tears rush down my cheeks as I try to continue breathing between sobs. I get home and no one is there. Part of me is relieved as I climb up the stairs to my bedroom. There, in those four walls, I am completely myself, a side no one gets to see. I let out every emotion until there is nothing left to give. Then, although I have so much homework and reading to do that it makes me nervous to just think about it, I just lay in bed. I pride myself on my 4.0 GPA, but I can’t bring myself to concentrate. My mind is too broken down that it can’t work properly to write my short story or do my math homework. I fear I am entering the “Dark Times,” as I call my depression/anxiety filled episodes. Last time, it was so bad, my parents begged me to drop out of college because they felt “no degree was worth losing your sanity.” I have to agree with them, but I decided to stick with it and power through. However, now I’m not so sure. Maybe my mental obstacles are too much for me to overcome and ultimately they will win.
One thing I know for sure, they have won today.